"Hi, I'm Mikey Mastiff. Can we talk? You know, a lot of dogs get a real bad rap because we think you WANT us to act tough and aggressive. And why wouldn't we think that, when you play games like Tug-of-War with us?"

HERE'S WHAT REALLY HAPPENS WHEN YOU PLAY TUG-OF-WAR WITH ME

"Hey, any game that causes a dog to compete for dominance, growl, bite, hold, rip, tear, jump up on a human, or run away is a bad game! Not that I don't enjoy doing those things. I I just don't think you want me necessarily developing those behaviors!" 

"By playing Tug-of-War with me, you are challenging me directly. Basically, you're teaching me to compete with you for dominance through aggression. How am I supposed to know that I'm not supposed to growl, bite and jump up all the time?"

AND NO GAMES OF CHASE EITHER, PLEASE!

"Remember, I depend on you to teach me the rules of polite society. If you're playing Chase with me, I'm learning to run away from you or to chase other people in order to make you happy. So what happens when I chase the elderly lady who walks past our house every morning, or the little girl who passes every day on her way to the school bus?"

"Let's be honest; wouldn't you rather I bring you the newspaper than grab it and run down the street with it?"